The Baby Factory

Woman = baby machine

his is a tough one. I’m here to talk about injustices - in the world, as a woman, within the medical system.

Yesterday I went to the doctors to talk PMOS, perimenopause(?) and fertility. Nothing major then. I felt like I’d saved up 10 years’ worth of angst, constantly putting off a visit for fear of being dismissed. After all, that’s really all I’d ever experienced with GPs and other healthcare professionals. One look at a PMOS diagnosis and it’s easy to be waved out of the room, shortly after being told to sleep more (sleep is deeply impacted by hormones), lose weight (dangerous advice to some) and stop worrying (easy!)

After a few waiting room breathing exercises (yes, I was that nervous) I sheepishly entered the doc’s office, calmly but firmly presenting my memorised notes. I had previously spent about an hour online checking exactly the terminology I had to use in order to be seen, heard and ‘actioned upon’ like the god damn tax payer I am.

Me: Hi doc, how are you?

Doc: Take a seat

Internal monologue: Here we go. Also wow I think she is maybe 21? The Pandora charms suggest yes

Me: I’m here because a) I think I am perimenopausal b) I would like to talk about my fertility and c) I have PMOS and…

Doc: FROWNS. Well let me stop you there, you won’t be perimenopausal because of your age

CONSULTS INTERNET NOTES (TAKEN FROM NHS WEBSITE) YEP DEFINITELY CAN HAPPEN IN YOUR 30s

Me: OK, well there are about 7/8 symptoms to show if you are, and I have every single one of them - to a deblitating effect, and it’s negatively impacting just about every point of my life. I’m finding it really hard and would appreciate some help

Internal monologue: That’ll do it. I’m basically saying I can’t go on like this, just how I would if I was walking around all day on two broken legs - which I’m quite certain she would help me fix

Doc: Yes, well you do have PMOS

Me: This really does not feel anything like my PMOS, which I’ve had diagnosed for over 20 years

Internal monologue: I’m rather in tune with the old body thanks, and all of these symptoms are new, fucking insane and awful

Doc: Are you still having your periods?

Me: Yes, but they’ve really changed recently

Doc: So you’re not perimenopausal then. What else do you need to discuss?

CONSULTS INTERNET NOTES AGAIN (TAKEN FROM NHS WEBSITE) YEP DEFINITELY CAN STILL HAVE PERIODS, THEY JUST CHANGE

Me: Sorry but is there really nothing you can do to help me, I’m finding it really difficult. What about Hormone Replacement Therapy?

Doc: That’s only prescribed as the contraceptive pill, which you’ve stated you don’t want to take

Internal monologue: That’s literally just not true. Am I being bare faced lied to here? I give up already, she wore me down in a record speed of three minutes

Me: No I don’t want that, because I also need to see how all of this is affecting my fertility and that’s not going to help

Internal monologue: I literally despise your Pandora bracelet but I can’t actually look away because if I make eye contact with you I will cry

Doc: So do you want to get pregnant?

Me: Errm, wow, well, eventually, yes

Internal monologue: Omg she’s about to do it isn’t she…

Doc: OK no problem, we’ll absolutely send you for some tests to help with that of course. Remember your partner will need to do their (minuscule) bit too

Internal monologue: Theeeeere it is! Kerching ding ding ding! Only gives a flying condom when I mention reproducing, yawn

Me: Rightttt, OK, I’ll have my bloods done to look at that then. Anyway, what about the negative day-to-day impact on my social, romantic, working, physical, emotional, spiritual LIFE? Is there honestly nothing you can do? I really think I am showing perimenopausal symptoms, and if not that then something is really not right and I’d love some advice on next steps

Doc: Have you tried exercising, sleeping?

Internal monologue: No literally never thank you SO much for suggesting that! I’ll just hop on my bike now and cycle off the face of the earth forever

Me: Must dash. Thanks. Bye.

Doc: Oh, before you go - can you take a sexual health swab please?

Me: What? I don’t think I need to do I? I’m in a monogamous relationship and we both tested negatively at the beginning of it

Doc: Just in case! (pitying eyes)

Internal monologue: AM I SPEAKING FUCKING MANDARIN OR SOMETHING HERE

So yeah, that was that. For the rest of the day I battled through a slew of emails and meetings, trying desperately to summon a smile while colleagues joked around and friends texted me light hearted anecdotes. In between I mostly stared in disbelief at the floor, physically and emotionally exhausted from what was only about eight minutes of my day. I drifted in and out of all the emotions: confused, worried, angry (not that we’re allowed to be that, of course), SAD. I am oh so sad for us women. I feel sad every time I hear a woman flippantly say ‘get home safe!’ to her friend, or happen to notice a teenage girl pull her skirt down a little bit because she senses a prying eye. The world is still harsh and unfair and unequal and wrong for women, but how is our healthcare system still stuck here too?

I thought, at the very least, when I booked in to see a young female doctor, she might just feel a little part of that too, and would take me seriously. But once again, I felt my voice drift off, quietly gathered my belongings and said thank you as I trotted off to shove a swab in my vagina for no apparent reason.

So what’s next? I sit bravely while yet more blood is drained from my veins, in vain. For more hormonal tests to return - probably redunant as they are impacted by my fluctuating PMOS hormones. I’ll flag this and they’ll say ‘ah, yes PMOS, tricky’ as they always do. I’ll leave confused, piling on the emotional weight to my already aching shoulders. And I’ll wonder, if my worth is only simply in having a baby, and that fails, what the hell do I say next?